Signs of Britain

DID YOU PUT THE SCULLING BLADE AWAY? A flyer typical of the kind posted all over Oxford. Notice the very British "voice" and personality that comes through---so different from the terse, disembodied corporate-speak of American signs and flyers.

My favorite line involves a request that "if something is broken on the scull over the summer, please write a note to Pete the Boatman and pin it on his door at the back of the boat house."

Pete the Boatman! In an instant I see in my mind's eye a modern-day version of a minor but unforgettable Dickens character. Pete the Boatman! If he doesn't exist in Dickens he ought to, with his thick Shropshire accent, dressed in a greasy, well-worn mackinstosh, lounging in the doorway of the boathouse (his sacred domain), arms akimbo, stoically smoking, perhaps reckoning that he'll nip down to the Flagon and Fetchlock to have a pint of Old Speckled Hen and catch Leeds versus Sheffield on telly.

Other examples:

A sign on a bus that in the US would say "Stand Behind the Line" says here: "When the coach is moving you must not stand forward of this point, nor should you distract the driver without good reason." And when the bus can't pick up riders instead of the American "Off Duty" the sign reads "Sorry, I'm not in service" as if it were a bus from a children's book that could talk and use the personal pronoun.

Sign at the library: "The scheme of leaving books for three days under a note does not extend to the computer kitchen."

Sign near the entrace to Merton: "TRASHING: The practice of trashing is prohibited forthwith. By The Principle of Postmasters."

Sign in Exeter College quad: "MOOD AND FUTURE: We are looking for people aged 18-65 years who are not currently depressed to take part in psychological research." No I'm not currently depressed, but I plan on throwing myself a major pity-party this weekend, you bleeding toff!

As these examples show, British signs, like British people, tend to take a bit more time to make their point, in marked contrast to the American gospel of "short and to the point, don't waste time!" The British "sign voice" seems to come from a career civil servant who is used to having his authority unquestioned within the little world he oversees.

On the other extreme is the "voice" of the British tabloid newspapers, which makes our most sensational rags (like the New York Post) sound positively pallid by comparison. For instance, on the day that the International Olympic Committee was to decide between Paris and London for the 2012 games, the London Daily Mail ran this slagging of French President Jacques Chirac for insulting British food on its front page:

AFTER HIS TIRADE, A GENEROUS DALLOP OF JACQUES JOKES:

Q: Why do so many Frenchmen have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.

This "joke" was probably old when Henry V defeated the French at Agincourt in the 14th century.