"What Have You Got In Your Pocket, Love?"

I'm walking down High Street in Oxford at 10:30 am.

I've just finished printing out my essay for Dr. Kershaw's Roman Britain class and I'm looking for a good strong Italian coffee.

About a half a block before the cafe, I'm accosted by a middle-aged woman in a loud tie-dyed dress, wearing enormous sunglasses and what appear to be hundreds of clunky bracelets.

"You're making an odd noise there, Love!" she says to me.

"Uh, what do you mean?"

"In your pocket there! What have you got in your pocket?"

I'm thinking "isn't there an episode in The Hobbit where Golum asks this very question of Bilbo?"

"Come on, then! What's that noise?" She insists.

Flustered and at a loss for words, I stop and pull out the contents of my right pocket---keys, coins, a jump drive, a pen.

"Nothing special---I guess it's the large pocket in these shorts that letting everything jingle around."

"O, well that's it then." She says.

"Don't mind me love," she suddenly blurts out. "I'm an eccentric! I'm a professor!"

"Well, so am I," I reply---"both!

"Besides," I say, "if Oscar Wilde could walk his pet lobster on High Street, I suppose anything goes here!"

"That's right!" she shouts.

"Well, I tell you," she says, "My 50th birthday was Saturday, and I'm still celebrating!" (It's Monday, by the way)

At this point, she swings her right hand around and I notice she's got a half-full (or half-empty) bottle of rum in her fist. She takes a deep swig and says:

"Care for a pull?" (Remember, it's ten thirty in the morning and we're standing on a busy sidewalk)

"Ooo, I don't don't think so" I say. "But thanks!"

"Say, you seem like a nice sort---you're an American, huh?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Want to come up to my place for a bit?"

My mind is racing: "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" I'm saying to myself, "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!"

"Uh---------no thanks," I reply. "I've got class" (suddenly realizing the possible double entendre) "I mean a class at Merton."

"Suit yourself!" she says huffily, "I won't bother with you, then!"

She half saunters/half staggers off.

Within 20 seconds I see her accost another guy.


------Happy 50th lady, hope you get everything you wanted!